Sobriety and Monsters?

My family’s history with alcohol is complicated. Actually, it’s my history with alcohol that is complicated. It is pretty straightforward with my family. Alcoholism bores deep into the old family tree and runs its veins through all the branches with the same frequency as men with big noses. And there’s a lot of dudes with big noses in my family, self included.

Do you drink? If you do, do you recall the first time you tried alcohol? I do. I was probably four years old. My dad’s parents were visiting, and I adored my Grandpa Lickman. His hands were these powerful, gnarled cudgels that held my attention because he’d lost one of his fingers to a table saw. When he laughed it filled the halls of our home with joy. And he always seemed to have a beer in his hand. One evening during this visit I was looking up at grandpa as he cracked open another can. My curiosity got the best of me.

“Grandpa, can I try your beer?”

Goddamn, how he laughed at that. “You want to try my beer?” (I can still hear the charming, Yooper tilt of his accent. ) “Sure!” And he pressed the cold can into my hands.

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A Tale of Two Pumpkins

Beer. It’s in the title of my website. And I love to share the experience of discovering a new beer with my friends whenever I can. However it is an experience my wife rarely joins me in, as her taste in beer is quite narrow. So, imagine my delight when, while browsing the shelves of our local Lizardville, she pointed out a can for a style of beer I knew was far outside her usual tastes.

“You want to try that?” I asked, “Have you had a pumpkin beer before? I don’t care for them much myself.”

“No,” she gestured again at the label “The artwork caught my eye. It looks cool, and you know I’m discovering my witchy side.”

I scanned the can with a more appraising look. She had a point. The design on the can featured an eye made up of a number of flowering symbols entwining together. The entire label was painted in stark orange on black. “T’witchy” it proclaimed. “9.25% ABV”. I gave an appreciative whistle. As my wife moved away, a very specific ingredient included in the brew caught my eye.

You know what else I love? A good prank. I picked up the can. Not only was I resolved to review it, but I was going to ask my wife to join me in the sampling. But I couldn’t just throw her into the deepest waters of craft brewing. No, I needed something to contrast it against. I wanted her to see a negative before I provided her with a positive, to paraphrase Dr. Eldon Tyrell. I glanced at the other pumpkin beers lining the shelves and grabbed one which appeared to be an innocuous example of the style. I’d be lying if I said its name didn’t play into my decision. “Haunted Hayride” was its name.

“Beer and monsters, indeed,” I smirked.

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Keymaster: So Much Better Than a Giant Slor

When you’re a geek like me and you spy a beer that has a picture of Vinz Clortho, Keymaster of Gozer, in dog form, than you buy it on general principle. When you notice that it was brewed in part by Seventh Son Brewing Company, you buy two. This was the exact position I found myself in recently while shopping for something new to try. I rubbed my eyes to make sure I wasn’t imagining things. Nope. It was definitely a beer called Keymaster with the devil dog from Ghostbusters peering back at me from the shelf. And there was the Seventh Son logo. Yoink. Yoink. Two bottles in my basket. Continue reading

A Tale of Two Saisons, Pt. 2: Four Witches

(Originally appeared on the Tipsy Techie Website in June, 2014. I have seen this beer in stores since, but have not tasted it. Not from a lack of desire, but there is just so much other local stuff on the shelves now, and I’ve been on a bit of a hometown support kick.)

Having overcome my fear of saisons, I had a bit more pep in my step during my next visit to the craft beer store. That’s not to say I was bounding down the aisles like Jack Skellington asking the universe “What is this?” at each new farmhouse ale. But I was open to further experimentation. And an experiment is what I decided on. A bomber bottle from New Holland Brewing grabbed my attention with the description, “Black Saison”. The beer’s name was Four Witches.

I feel I need to pause here for a bit of an observation/rant. It seems every few years the craft brewing industry gets caught up in a fad. A few years back breweries were obsessed with IBUs. Then came the Imperial Reign, when brewers doubled up their malt bills and started putting the label “Imperial” on all their new beers. And now it seems we are in the Dark Ages. Brewers are adding roasted grains into the mash to create “dark” versions of traditional styles. Sometimes, such as in the case of black IPAs, this works well and a whole new style is born. Most of the time, however, what made the original great gets lost amid the coffee and smoke. Continue reading

A Tale of Two Saisons, Pt. 1: Stone

(Originally appeared on the Tipsy Techie website in June 0f 2014. I’ve found myself craving this beer on hot summer days after yard work or a good hike. Still recommended.)

I have a confession to make. I’m not a big fan of saisons. I know that admitting to such a thing in some craft beer circles would mark me as a pariah for whom hanging is too good for. Because of my aversion of farmhouse ales, trips to the store during the spring and summer months tend to be disappointing. I find myself reverting back to my stand-bys.

However a few weeks back as I was perusing through one of my favorite shops, I spied the telltale demon head trademark of Stone Brewery peeking up out of the top of a six pack. Eager to try anything new from Stone, I picked up the pack. Continue reading

Crime: An Experience in Craft Brewed Arson

(Originally appeared on the Tipsy Techie website in March 2014. My opinion of this beer has not changed. At all.)

I consider myself a fanboy of Stone Brewing. I’ve never drank a bad, or even mediocre, beer made by them. I’m also a lover of spicy foods, so much so that I once partook of Quaker Steak and Lube’s Atomic Wings. Yet when I discovered Stone Crime at my favorite craft beer store, I felt more than a bit of trepidation. For the uninformed, Crime is part of Stone’s Quingenti Millilitre series. It was created by taking Lukcy Bastard Ale and aging it in bourbon barrels with an undisclosed number of hot peppers. The peppers ranged from lowly jalapeños up through black nagas and Moruga scorpions. Some of those tiny fruits have a Scoville ranking on par with police grade pepper spray. You know, that stuff cops use to subdue people. Continue reading

My Bloody Valentine: A Seasonal Beer for Lovers (of hops)

(Originally appeared on the Tipsy Techie website in February of 2014. The beer was released again in February of 2015).

I scanned the shelves of the store, trying to decide where my tastes lay that evening, when the image of a human heart oozing blood and pierced by an arrow was thrust in front of my face. I jerked back and saw that the gruesome scene was painted on a bomber bottle. “My Bloody Valentine Ale” it said. I followed the arm that held the bottle and saw my wife grinning down at me. A mad gleam shone in her eyes. Continue reading

Beer Reviews (RIP The Tipsy Techie Website)

The Tipsy Techie website has gone to the big domain name recycling center in the sky. That’s a shame, because I think the site had potential. I enjoyed my brief time of writing reviews for her. I was also pleased with the reviews I wrote, so I’m going to re-post them here. If they prove popular, perhaps I will add more (given the title of this website and all).

A Quick Update and Another Beer Review

Hi. I know. This site has been dormant. You probably thought I’d given up, yeah? Naw. Just getting some shit sorted. Some of it involves Chaos. The old boy is still fighting, but the allergies this year have taken a toll on him due to his compromised sinuses. Some of it involves stuffs I’m not sure I want to talk about here. But everyone still has their health. And I’m still writing.

However the reason I’m here right now is because the good lady who runs the Tipsy Techie has allowed me to post another of my beer reviews. This one is going to be a two parter. The first part is here. The second part should be going up in about a week. Take a look!